Dude, Where's my Brain!
by Angel Beech
Summary: Kazu wants a girlfriend. So does Ryo. And they both want Alice, so they set out on
1. Why Kazu was probably better off with gl...

Dude, Where's My Brain?  
  
A Kazu and Alice Romantic Comedy  
  
By Angel Beech  
  
And Dalil DasGupta  
  
Note to disclaimers: Me no own. Simple?  
  
Chapter 1 Why Kazu Was Probably Better Off With Glue  
  
Kazu sat up, squashing the pillows on his bed. He had his earphones on, music full blast. There was a chocolate bar in one hand, and a bottle of white glue in the other. What more could he want? He knew what he wanted. It was simple. He had known it forever. He wanted Alice McKoy, the beautiful blue eyed girl. She had once been goth, but now she had friends, and was more.... normal. But to Kazu, she was beyond normal. Kazu secretly suspected she was a fallen angel. He had always wanted her, but now was different. Now he NEEDED a girl. He was in grade eight. All grade eighters had girls, atleast, all the cool ones.  
  
That brings us to an important point; What the heck is going on?  
  
Good question.  
  
We don't really know either, but we'll try to say.  
  
Kazu loved Alice. Everything about her. Her quiet manner. Her clear blue eyes. Her laugh that sounded like bells. But there was a problem: So did Ryo.  
  
Ryo had loved Rika until he had found out her and Henry were an item. Now he wanted to be a cool eigth grader. (They're all the same age.) Who better to be a girlfriend than Alice McKoy?  
  
She was nice. She was pretty. She was smart. She was caring. She was everything that a guy could ever want in a girlfriend.  
  
He was Kazu. People called him 'Kazoo'. He wasn't really that popular. He was friends with a somewhat dweeb and a gogglehead. He wasn't really smart. He wasn't even handsome. Or cunning. Or on good terms with his teachers. Or anything someone could want for a boyfriend. Well, maybe he was the last... but let's just say... um..... he wasn't many of the most requested qualities that women searched for.  
  
Ryo was handsome. Ryo was smart. A little mischievious, a bit of that bad-boy charm, but on good count with everyone, including teachers. He was friends with the popular. He was popular. Any girl in the city would go out with him. He could probably make millions if he started an escourt service. The girls would giggle at him and pamper him, rub in close to him and pretend to fall asleep in his arms. He could have any old girl he wanted. And he wanted Alice.  
  
But Alice was new to the school. She might not want Ryo. That was the problem; Kazu didn't know. But he knew Ryo would try to get her. So he needed to decide what to do, fast.  
  
"I'm gonna mark my territory, right Fang?" Kazu looked down at his golden retriever, Fang. Fang nodded up at Kazu.  
  
And then Fang pissed on the corner of Kazu's bed.  
  
"Dangit," said Kazu, looking down at the puddle of yellow piss. "Fang, that's the third time this week."  
  
Fang wagged his tail appologetically. And Kazu marched over to the phone.  
  
Remember the begining of the story? If you don't, go back and read it again. You have five seconds. One.... two.... three.... four.... five. Time's up! But remember that part where Kazu is holding a chocolate bar and glue? Well, you may be asking why Kazu would like glue. Here's a test.  
  
Why does Kazu like glue? Is it because....?  
  
A) He likes pasting stuff.  
  
B) It's sticky  
  
C) When you rub it between your fingers it gets gray and hard  
  
D) None of the above  
  
Well, D is the correct answer. The only thing Kazu likes gluing is "Kick me!" signs to Kenta's back. Yes, it is sticky, but Kazu prefers wet Silly Putty. You can strech Silly Putty, you can't stretch glue. And the gray and hard stuff, well, Kazu has enough gook between his fingers. No other comment on that.  
  
No, the reason Kazu likes glue so much is, aside from the fact it rhymes with his name, it smells good. Perhaps we missed the art class where they taught us to sniff glue. Perhaps Kazu missed the art class where they taught us not to sniff glue. Or maybe they never even told us what to do with glue. But one day, Kazu got the smell of dried blood stuck in his nose. He put his head a little too far in the wood pecker's hole. He got pecked, and his nose started bleeding. The blood smelt gross. You may like the smell of dried blood, but, well, that's up to you. Kazu is not you, is he?  
  
So he tried to find something else to smell. Anything. And the first thing he found was glue.  
  
Glue! Beautiful, wonderful, white sticky glue! He loved the smell. Oh, glue! Glue is pretty darn addictive. It's a shame he smelt super-glue. Because he sqeezed a little too hard. His nose still had the scars from where the doctors cut it open. But Kazu loved glue, and he showed the magical half-liquid to Kenta, in the white form. Takato was sensible enough not to try. Or maybe he wasn't. Because he wasn't there. His dummy was there, while he was behind the tree kissing Jeri. As long as the broom had brown hair, it was pretty darn convincing. Well, it probably wasn't, but this is Kazu and Kenta, here. Kazoo and Tentacle. Were you expecting them to notice how much weight Takato had lost and how he had no hands or legs or eyes or face or how he wasn't breathing?  
  
Good.  
  
He looked Kenta's number up in the phone book. It was 555-5555.  
  
"Well, that shouldn't be hard to remember," said Kazu. Fang looked up at him, a little worried that Kazu phoned Kenta fifteen times a day, but had to look it up in the phonebook everytime. But what did he know? Maybe humans were actually very smart.  
  
"God, where's the five on this damn phone!" he cried.  
  
Maybe pigs could fly.  
  
Twenty wrong numbers later, Kazu heard a familiar voice in the phone.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Kenta, it's me, Kazu..." he began.  
  
"Um... honey... this isn't Kenta, this is his mother.... Kents never answers the phone," she told him.  
  
"Oh yeah, could you get Kenta?" he asked, somewhat embarrased.  
  
"Hi," said Kenta.  
  
"Hi, this is Kazu. Is this Kenta?" asked Kazu.  
  
"No, it's Kenta's little brother, Kenta Jr.," said Kenta Jr.  
  
"Seriously? Kenta has a little brother?" Kazu asked incrediously. "Wow, I never knew your Mom was pregnant. And you can talk already?"  
  
"Um... Kazu, I was kidding, it's me, Kenta," Kenta said, slightly worried about his friend's mental health. "Oh, OK, I was just phoning to reveal to you my secret and great plan on how to win Alice over to my side and murder Ryo," Kazu grinned happily.  
  
"Um... Kazu, I don't think this is such a good idea," replied Kenta.  
  
"You don't even know the plan yet, why?" Kazu was taken aback.  
  
"Well, because, you see, well... Remember that school trip to Canada?" Kenta shuddered.  
  
"We went to Canada? I thought that was Hockey Land," cried Kazu.  
  
"No, that was Canada," Kenta corrected calmly.  
  
"But I didn't see any lumberjacks!" shouted Kazu.  
  
"There aren't many people in Canada who are lumberjacks anymore," explained Kenta.  
  
"NO! IT CAN'T BE!" shouted Kazu.  
  
"Just shut up and listen," Kenta told a weeping Kazu. "Remember how you said we should embrace the Canadian culture by dressing up as hockey players, and how even though it was a million degrees out, you still insisted on wearing fur coats? And remember how the kids challenged us to a hockey game? And how they beat us 56 to 1 and they were the suckiest team in the league? Remember how now Japan is famous for hockey players and Eskimos? And how we're not even famous for good hockey players, but sucky hockey players? REMEMBER?!"  
  
"Oh, Kenta-boy, that was just a tiny mistake. This time we'll be perfect. Absolutely nothing could go wrong. I swear, even a pair of evil fanfiction authors couldn't ruin our plan! I swear!" Kazu promised, recovering from his trial.  
  
"So, waddya wanna do to embarrass Kazu?" Dalil, sitting at the computer millions of miles away.  
  
"Wait a sec, I'm listing to possibilities on how to ruin his plan," Angel replied, after filling the on hundred and fifty sixth way.  
  
"No way am I helping you," Kenta remained firm.  
  
"You might be able to dance with a girl and it envolves looking at... cool pictures," Kazu  
  
Kenta was silent for five minutes. Kazu could hear traces of: "Mom, Kenta's having a nosebleed again!"  
  
"I guess," Kenta said excitedly back into the phone, except it came out 'Ah geds'. "Ah's probably hellp. Soh ah'd actlly danse wit a gurl?"  
  
"Yeah," Kazu lied. He HOPED a girl would dance with Kenta, but he couldn't garuntee it. Girls were very mystirious creatures and their course of actions could change in the blink of the eye. You were never quite sure....  
  
"Ah'm in!" exclaimed Kenta.  
  
"Awright!" Kazu cried in delight.  
  
"So what's the plan?" queried Kenta.  
  
"Plan?" asked Kazu.  
  
"Yeah, plan. You said you had a plan," repeated Kenta.  
  
"Oh, damn," Kazu whispered to himself. He did NOT have a plan. He didn't think Kenta would ask. So after a whooping long 0.0000009 seconds, Kazu thought of an 'ingenius' plan. It was 'perfect.' It was 'wonderful'. It was 'brilliant'. It was made by Kazu. So naturally, it sucked.  
  
He whispered it to Kenta.  
  
"Wow, long, but are you sure it'll work?" Kenta asked, mistaking it for a good plan. But remember, Kenta is Kenta. So anything can sound impressive if you put enough complicated words in it. 'We shall retardendo 90 degrees facing the female changing room' is complicated enough. Pathetic.  
  
"I'm sure, my best plan yet," Kazu promised.  
  
Kenta failed to mention that the hockey-player plan was 'the best' as was the chocolate-spider and the sticky-octopus plan. Well, this one sounded good. He had no idea what 'oriented' meant. Oh well, it sounded complicated enough to be good.  
  
"OK, I'm in," Kenta swore.  
  
Fang pissed on the carpet again.  
  
"Dang," said Kazu.  
  
"You don't want me in your plan?!" asked Kenta.  
  
"No, Fang pissed on the carpet," Kazu said.  
  
"Piss. Ew," said Kenta and fainted, having another nose-bleed. Yeah, like we said, Kazu was probably better off with glue.  
  
  
  
So, do you like it? Please review! And tell us what you think and what you like/dislike about the story. We'd love to hear it! 


	2. What Madame Jeri had in mind when she st...

Chapter 2 What Madame Jeri had in mind when she started this mess  
  
Thank you reviewers, we appreciate you so much.  
  
Semaj: LOL to you too.  
  
FireDemon: We am not being mean to Kazu and Kenta, we are illustrating the truth. They are not cool eigth graders. Don't worry, we will continue illustrating the truth, but due to you, we'll be a little nicer. But one thing... us mean? You're the one who called them dumb-asses. (LOL)  
  
I like Kazu a lot, I think he's cool. But I also like torturing them a bit....  
  
Note to disclaimers: ME NO OWN!!!! (WAH!!!!)  
  
(The following are not my spelling errors, but Ryo's)  
  
Alice, Alice,  
  
You'd live in a palice  
  
Iff only I culd get  
  
A date with yew  
  
You'd be my girlfriend  
  
And I'd be your boyfriend  
  
And that would prove  
  
Our love would be true  
  
Ryo examined the love poem. Not only was he nearly illiterate in Language Arts, but he was completely unable to write, too. Poems were for sissies. But he had a plan. And everyone knew how plans always worked, right? Infact, he was sure Angel and Dalil would torture Kazu and not him.  
  
"Who ya wanna torture?" asked Dalil.  
  
"I dunno," replied Angel. "Ryo, Kazu, Ryo, Kazu....."  
  
It was a plan. Alice would have a two secret admirers. One would send wonderful poems, while the other would be horrible. He would let slip that the horrible one was Kazu. And then... *mumble mumble mumble mumble*. It was perfect!  
  
But would it work? Of course. Now, he, Ryo, had to work on both presents from both secret admirers. And the poem.  
  
Alice, Alice  
  
What the hell else rhymes with Alice?  
  
Smalice  
  
Dalice  
  
Malice.....  
  
Alice stroaked her blond ponytail, looking for Jeri and Rika. Her jean capis were too heavy for such a hot day, and she should have worn shorts. She thought of ice cream.... yum..... She saw a street vender, but had no money. Maybe she could borrow some from Rika. Or Jeri. Or the boyfriend she didn't have.  
  
She never showed it, but she hated being alone. Rika had Henry. They'd sit beside each other and every morning they'd kiss. They'd wave in class and pass notes and laugh. They'd dance. Rika was quite changed. Henry had softened her up. She was in love.  
  
And Jeri had Takato. He would buy her ice cream... yum... and stuffed animals. Takato would compliment, Jeri would flirt. They'd go to school dances and hug. And cuddle. And be in love. Puppy love? Perhaps. But it was love. Jeri could proudly announce she had a boyfriend. So could Rika. Alice wanted that, but who? Who could she call 'her own?' Who could she mark her territory on?  
  
Back at Kazu's house, Fang pissed.  
  
She finally saw them, sitting on the bench. They both had ice cream.  
  
"Hi," smiled Alice, running towards them.  
  
"Hi," said Jeri, and Rika handed her a chocolate ice cream. Alice accepted it gratefully.  
  
She tried to enjoy it. She loved chocolate. She loved ice cream. She loved the melt-in-your-mouth, cool, sweet sensation of it sliding down your throat.  
  
"Stop eating the computer," Dalil told Angel sharply.  
  
"Must.. Get... chocolate.... ice cream...." groaned Angel as she ran away.  
  
"Why aren't you eating?" Jeri asked in concern.  
  
"I'm eating," Alice said, and before Jeri could pinch out what was wrong, she shoved the ice cream in her face. It splashed all over her face.  
  
"Way to go, McKoy," Rika laughed, and Alice joined in chuckling.  
  
Jeri, however, took this seriously.  
  
"I belive that by shoving ice cream in your face, you are trying to phycologically block some feeling in your mind that is coming against your wishes, which is connected to the feeling you were feeling before you shoved in it your face. I hearby suggest you tell me what it is, wipe your face off, and get some oxyclean tonight so you don't get a bunch of pimples," Jeri the psycologist began.  
  
"Whu?" asked Rika, now looking at a 'Kill Guys' magazine. "Hey, look, in this article it shows me how to murder Kenta. Cool!"  
  
'Wow, she's good,' thought Alice.  
  
"It's just... it's just... I'm lonely," Alice muttered softly.  
  
"Um... you are surrounded by us, Alice," Rika told her. "Maybe you should see a real psycologist."  
  
"No, no, Madame Jeri can cure all problems," Jeri insisted. "And of course you are lonely, you don't have a boyfriend."  
  
'Really good,' thought Alice.  
  
"No," she replied.  
  
"Than if you have no intrest in boys or boyfriends, why were you cpmplaining about not having a dancing partner yesterday?" Jeri smiled her know-it-all smile as she waited for Alice to stop stuttering and come up with an excuse.  
  
'Really, really good,' Alice thought for he third time as she racked her brain for some somewhat acceptable, believable lame excuse.  
  
"I think Jeri should become a hunter. So good at setting traps...." Rika smiled an evil grin/smirk. Jeri watched the stuttering Alice once more and suddenly thought back to what started this all. Hee hee.... Kazu.  
  
JERI'S FLASHBACK: PART1  
  
"Damn," said Kazu.  
  
"What?!" asked Kenta. It was the end of grade seven and Kazu had just begun his obsession with Alice a week ago.  
  
"I looked like a total louser.... wah.... infront of Alice," Kazu sobbed.  
  
"What did you do?" asked Kenta.  
  
"Not telling," Kazu replied sobbingly.  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Tell,"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Why would you care about Alice?" Jeri got out of the stall in the washroom.  
  
"Because," Kazu blushed.  
  
"Why?" Jeri grinned evily.  
  
"Because Kazu has a secret crush on her," Kenta glared at Kazu.  
  
"Omigosh!" shrieked Jeri.  
  
"OK, we'll strike up a deal; I won't tell you were in the boy's washroom if you don't tell anyone, ANYONE that I like Alice," Kazu said, sweat pouring down his face.  
  
"But Kazu," said Jeri. "You're in the girl's washroom."  
  
"No way," said Kazu and looked to the wall. On it was a tampon machine.  
  
"Damn," he said under his breath.  
  
"Tampons," said Kenta, and fainted.  
  
Jeri promised Kazu she wouldn't tell. After all, she couldn't if her plan was to work.  
  
JERI'S FLASHBACK: PART 2  
  
"Omigosh!" cried Jeri.  
  
Ryo had left his locker open. And in it was a scribbler. It had 'I love Alice' scrawled all over it.  
  
"Omigosh!"  
  
Her plan had just got WAAAYYY better.  
  
JERI'S FLASHBACK: PART 3  
  
"Alice, do you like Kazu?" asked Jeri. It was after school. Rika was dueling Henry.  
  
"He's nice... funny..." began Alice.  
  
"Cute?" asked Jeri.  
  
'Wow, she's good,' thought Alice.  
  
"Um... yeah," she replued, blushing.  
  
"And Ryo?" prompted Jeri. "Nice.... cute... hot," Alice also replied shyly. You couldn't hide things from Jeri.  
  
"Yessss....." Jeri muttered under her breath.  
  
Her plan was going to be parfait, at a climax. Life was too good.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes, another evil plan. So, you like? Please review. And also, who do you think deserves Alice, Ryo or Kazu. Any suggestions for plot or writing or anything? Please tell! :) 


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